Some Introspection

Today was a tough day. I got to work with the intention of getting a powerpoint slideshow done for the Youth End-of-Year Banquet this Sunday night. This would involve scanning a bunch of photos (I had some stuff digital, but not everything). Well, in the last 6 weeks we've gotten all this new computer equipment. So, scanning should have been loads easier than what we had had. Used to I'd have to scan onto Susan's computer and burn a disc and then transfer to the computer I wanted to work on. Today we couldn't get the new fancy piece of equipment to scan properly. When we finally got that working (or figured out how to do it, after numerous phone calls to the techies who gave us a separate set of directions than the manuals or the directions they'd left before), we then discoverd that we couldn't retrieve them on my computer (all the stuff had not been installed) and that though the stuff was installed on Susan's, we couldn't retrieve them. The techies had to come out twice (three people total) before we got the problem figured out, around 3 p.m., when I had hoped to have this part of my work day done by 10.

In the process of the problems with the new equipment, I tracked down the old scanner, the chords weren't with it. Found some that would work after 30 minutes of looking in 3 or 4 places and numerous boxes of equipment that hasn't been moved back to the offices yet. Then realized I couldn't use it on my computer because the box of all our old software (with the scanner's driver) was missing. Then I took it to Ray's computer, which used to be Susan's, but somehow the program wasn't working on their, something happened to it during the moving around of the computers.

After growing increasingly grumbly and belligerent, I at one point threw some pictures across the room (like a four year old) and went outside to sit and cool down.

Okay, I'm not proud of this, quite ashamed in fact. And it troubles me in a lot of ways. For most of my adult life I've been a very laid-back person. I've been pretty stoic about everything but silly stuff (like tv shows, and then I'm non-stoic for the entertainment value). Even Marty said once that I was stoic when it came to the stuff that mattered, and I believe him. But, for some reason, as I'm getting older and more mature in some ways, I'm going backward in this matter. When I was young I had a violent temper. People used to laugh at me when I told them that, because they couldn't imagine it. I thought I had habituated myself out of the temper (the last bad outburst was on family vacation in 1992, sorry Kelli). Is my temper coming back? In recent months I have become increasingly prone to anger, frustration, stress, and sometimes even outburst. What's going on?

I think some of it is the accumulation of lots of stress in recent months. But for some reason I can't handle it this time like I usually have in the past. For example, each time I've bought a house, the situation with the processes involved had always turned bad at some point, but I've pretty much always kept my calm (to my own detriment in the buying of my first house in '98). And these situations always involved lots of really big issues, including potential financial ruin. So, I handled those okay.

And why this concerns me the most . . . oh wait, I just thought of another reason, I'll get to it in a moment. The first reason is that this is not the person I want to be. I used to tell my ethics classes, when studying virtue ethics, that you have to pick the kind of person you want to be and practice becoming that person, habituating yourself over time. I've always wanted to be, as an older man, the calm, cool, collected, guy who people listen to when he speaks, because he doesn't speak all the time. You know that guy. Ray Vickrey, for instance, is something like that; I'd love to be more like Ray. Or like the Van der Luydens in The Age of Innocence, or the image of the virtuous man in Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics. But, alas, I'm beginning to wonder if my temperment will never allow me to become that.

The concern that popped into my head a bit ago is this -- my Dad had quite a temper. It's where I got mine. And this is definitely one way in which I do not aspire to be like my father. I guess in some ways we can't help becoming like our parents. But I hope I can avoid this one.

So, there's the introspection.

Comments

[Christen]

I too received a temper of scary sorts from my father. In addition, I generally handle major problems when everyone else around me is losing their heads with a calm demeanor. However, when little things continue to disrupt the itenerary I have planned out in my head for the day, the hour, the five minutes, etc., etc. I freak out. It's like being the camel you can throw a ton on all at once and there is no problem, but if you put the straws on one at a time, I am definitely going to break. It's nice to know I am not the only one with this problem.

I have the EXACT same philosophy as you do regarding how to become the person you aspire to be. Ray Vickrey is my hero. My other hero or heroine should I say (and I swore upon all mother loads of promises, no pun intended, that I would NEVER feel this way) is my mother. She NEVER loses her cool, she always offers wonderful advice, and people listen when she does. These two people have had to tell me and still do tell me over and over again... even they are not perfect. They too have their moments. That always makes me feel better.

I also worry and sometimes agonize over the fear that I will lose the battle of my better self vs. temper on a regular basis. I do not ever want to release the wrathe, but I have learned something that so far has been helping the better self win.

Generally speaking it is not so much the little inconveniences themselves that aggrevate me nearly so much as the fact that I have such high expectations for the outcome of what the inconveniences are in the way of. If I stop, and realize that in the grand scheme of things the outcome will be fine, maybe late, maybe not exactly as I'd originally planned, but maybe even better for being so, I feel better. Not only do I feel better, but I realize that at least for myself, I want to accomplish so much, so fast, so that the above mentioned persons and others who are just as significant will be proud of me and what I am doing, I forget that they are ALREADY proud of me and what I am doing.

What will not help my situation or anyone elses, is if I lose the objective in the midst of the inconveniences. Things aren't perfect, nothing in this world is ever going to be. The bad part about that statement is obvious, the good part is, that it means I don't have to be perfect either. I believe very sincerely, that part of what makes the people I admire the most, the people they are, is that they have figured that out, and live by it.

Oh yeah, remember that Ray Vickrey had to grow to be the person he is today. Although he certainly seems like he was, I am pretty sure he wasn't born as the man he has become, and that we have the wonderful blessing of knowing. :>

[Garland]

There's something to be said for aspirations, of course. We should all aspire to be better people. But I also think there's something to be said for embracing the people that we really are. I, for example, have come to accept (even celebrate?) the fact that I am MUCH more like my mother than I ever wanted to be or would care to admit. I worry myself silly in situations where worrying is utterly fruitless. I obsess over minor details that don't matter one whit to anyone else. I am woefully uncomfortable in social settings where I'm among people I don't know well. I spent a lot of time trying to overcome these perceived shortcomings, but then I decided that I was just causing myself additional stress. So I decided "the hell with it!" I'm just going to be myself. So long as I'm fair and respectful to other people, I'll allow myself these (and other) personality quirks.

So I say WHO CARES if you fling a few pictures across the room from time to time. It's great to have the even temperance of a Ray Vickrey, but it's also imperative that we have the passion and energy of a Scott Jones. So long as your frustration isn't coming from an unhealthy place, I say have yourself a little tantrum from time to time. Bottling those emotions up could be much worse.

[Mary Casey]

i love you garlando!

[Jacob Zimmer]

Throwing pictures? Dude, I have punched holes in walls and bloodied and bruised my knuckles. I applaud your introspection, honesty and self-awareness. But YOU having a bad or short temper? Compared to what?

Not that I am proud of my tempers, far from it. Its not only embarrassing but I keep it a secret from new friends and in my recent relationships showed much restraint.

I guess I am the wrong person to be replying here. I mean, I totally understand and sympathize with your frustration of things not working and not finding the parts you need and so on. You remember my Dallas DMV story and how frustrating that was. I am tempted to point the finger at living in Dallas and Bush being in the White House.

For me my temper was the result of unending frustraion marked by a constant series of things going wrong. But moreoever, I am a person with a strong sense of justice and when life is not fair I feel get very upset about that.

By the way, I have never, ever been violent toward another person in my adult life.

I guess Scott, I am relieved to know that you are not infalliable and everyone loses their cool from time to time.

[Sarah]

Scott, everything in your life is changing as of these past months. It is inevitable that with change comes unwarranted stress and frustration. It is healthy always to act on it, but just don't let it consume you. I think we all know I have a foul temper, but it isn't the onle thing I have. Just go with it and know that we are NEVER the people we want to be, and will never have to be. I love you just as you are, and love even more that you are human and changing and feeling just like me.

[Wendy Wilson]

Wow, I just want to ask who Ray Vickrey is.....he sounds like a great man. It sounds like a virtue commercial....Ray Vickrey....the kind of man YOU want to be. LOL! Sorry, Jacob sent me to this site and I couldn't help but interject a comment. The concern here should not be why you threw the pictures or if your flaring temper is consuming you, the concern should be...Did I HIT anyone with the pictures? As long as you threw them, but not at someone , then no worries. You are too hard on yourself man. Remember my motto " When all else fails, pet the dog."

[Garland]

Ray Vickrey is the pastor at Royal Lane. He's very cool and nearly impossible to irritate. I don't think I've ever heard him utter a cross word. BUT... that's who RAY is. It's not who SCOTT is.

Scott - if I didn't make myself clear this weekend, let me say it explicitly... you will never be even-tempered, so just give it up already! You're not even even-tempered when you're HAPPY. You're excitable and... um... BOUNCY. So just be you. We already have a Ray. We need a Scott.

[Christen]

I agree with Garland!!! Not that I have changed my mind about bettering yourself by being around people with the attributes that you admire, but you really are great just the way you are Scott!

[natalie levy]

I understand so well. There is a ton I have to say, but I'm about to leave for church, so for now, i'm officially proclaiming that i'm going to give you a hug today.. a BIG one!!!

[natalie levy]

Scott, I have often observed you watching the "Time for Young Disciples" during every Sunday church service, and every time, I can't help but think of you as the equivalent of a little kid in a grown-up body. hehe, it's not a bad thing, it's one of the many things I love about you. Ever since you joined Royal Lane, I've had a lot of admiration toward you. But one thing you need to realize: You cannot be a one-sided person. It is impossible. It contradicts the definition of person. I consider you one of my close friends. You know a lot about me, and I know that I can lean on you when need be (and that goes both ways) I'm not saying don't aspire to be like someone. I do that. It's healthy. If not for role models, we would be nowhere. But what you must realize is that a role model is just that. A model. It is not the finished product. I believe that a person is made up of other people. We are contagious whethere we realize it or not.
Today in Sunday School we discussed power versus influence, and how one has major influence without realizing it. You are an incredible person with so many sides that it leaves me surprised and amazed every time. Scott, as a friend and a fellow human, I say to you: It's Okay.

[Matthew Miles]

Scott, Even tempered? I remember a Jonesy being very frustrated with "Fire Alarms" and "Cup Throwing" and having a temper then. You just didn't always see it. It's okay. We all know I've got a healthy temper (maybe not quite like Fish, but healthy just the same).