MyQuest | my thoughts on life's journey

Michael and Scott's 2012 Christmas Card

The tradition continues.  Here is the text.  The actual card has the pictures as well.

Last year we read an article that said you should give each year a name.  What would be this year’s name?  Here are some possibilities:

         “An Equal Omaha Year” — That was the name of our coalition and campaign which successfully passed an employment non-discrimination ordinance through the City Council.  When the Mayor signed the law into effect, we received one of the pens.

Or there is “The Year of Zoe” — for our beautiful new niece, Zoe Cich, who arrived this summer.

“Twentieth Reunion Year (for Scott)” would maybe be too limited a descriptor, though we did, both, have a really good time hanging out in Miami and learning how many of Scott’s classmates are either retired or already grandparents.

Or “The Year of Michael’s New Job” — as he began working as Director of Marketing and Development at the Urban League of Nebraska after working at the Domestic Violence Coordinating Council.

“The Year Michael Finally Made It to D. C. and Scott Returned to Paris” is simply too long.

“The Year Scott Got Michael to Kayak” would  fit.  Planning our trip to Michigan, Scott sat down one day and said, “I want to do something we’ve never done before.”  Michael said, “I’m not kayaking.”  “How did you know what I was going to ask?”  “I just did.”  But he became convinced when a family in our church, who has young children, kayaked at the same place on Lake Superior.  And then he had a blast and wants to do it again.

That entire trip to Michigan and Wisconsin was restful, beautiful, adventurous, and fun (the other highlight was the day we biked around Mackinac Island), though we can agree to never again cross into Canada at Sault Ste. Marie, making “The Year of Bad Experiences in Canada” one possible name.

“The Year of First Steps” is another strong contender.  Which first steps, you ask?  For children.  We pursued a license as foster and adoptive parents through the state system, including taking classes which taught us everything about being parents (isn’t that what the certificate we received at the end means?). 

But, truly, if this year has to have a name, it would be “The Year of the Stoop.”  Beginning in May, we tore down most of the deck out back in order to reconstruct a much smaller stoop.  It was the project that never ended.  In fact, it is still not completed.   Our inability to finish the project is because we get so few days when we are both off with nothing to do and can work together on projects that take two sets of hands.  Our lives really do complicate remodeling a 102-year-old home.  All the major structural items are in place and the first coat of paint is on most of it, but spring will bring renewed work to bring it to completion.  Meaning 2013 could also be “The Second Year of the Stoop,” though that would be simply crazy.  Let’s hope for “The Year of Children” instead.

Peace & Love,  Michael & Scott

 

 

Peace Be With You . . . And Also With You

Our second day in Paris Tom was not feeling well, so after breakfast, he headed back to the hotel for more resting.  Rob and I headed over to Notre Dame and after entering decided to attend the Mass which was underway.

It was in French, so there was plenty we didn't understand, but since the liturgy is universal, there was also plenty that we did understand.  

The best moment came during the exchange of peace.  We were sitting in the midst of an eclectic international group of people.  Rob, in particular, found it deeply meaningful to exchange a hand shake and words of peace with the diverse people around us.

When Mass was over we continued looking around the cathedral.  I really don't remember it from my first visit.  My second visit I do remember.  This time I enjoyed it even more.  They have done a lot of cleaning and restoration ahead of its 850th anniversary.  

It is a very layered building and the best views are the glimpses one gets of windows through arches and around corners.  There are surprising little bursts of colour here and there throughout.

At the back is a rather lovely little chapel of Our Lady with bright, colourful stained glass windows.  When I was there in 2000 it was segregated from the tourist path, set aside for prayer.  I had prayed there in 2000, and it was important that I pray there again.

My visit in 2000 was to see my girlfriend at the time who was living and working there.  During the visit we broke up.  It was an amicable break-up.  

That next day I had gone to Notre Dame and prayed about the break-up.  Once again I was going to be alone, and I knew how lonely and depressed I could get.  But I also knew that being single I might finally have to confront my sexual feelings for other men.  At the time I didn't want to face that and had prayed about it.

This time I entered the chapel and prayed a different prayer.  I said that my prayer in 2000 had been wrong and that since I was last there I had had the integrity to become my true self and how that was the good, right, and happy thing.  Plus, I had found love and someone to spend my life with, so that part of my 200o prayer had been answered.

Anxiety

The trip to Paris shed some light on anxiety for me.  Ahead of the trip, I said to Michael once "I don't feel like I've been anxious enough yet to be leaving the country in a few days."  This was because Rob had handled all the arrangements for the trip.  But I thought it revealing that I experienced that lack of anxiety as a lack.

In my mid-twenties I convinced myself I was a pretty laid back person, but I don't think that that was true.  I may have been more laid back than I normally am, but I can be tightly wound.  It seems to have even increased with age, especially with job and marriage responsibilities.  Looking at having kids worries me some about how much more anxiety and stress that bring.

Even on the trip, I didn't find that I completely surrendered into the rest and vacation the way I usually do.  Some of that probably had to do with the election.

It was fun being on a trip where someone else was in charge.  I didn't have as many control issues as I might have thought.  I also didn't have any of my anxious episodes (that usually result in an argument) that I usually have once or twice on a trip.  So, that was positive.

And we had a pretty easy-going schedule.  We slept in.  We napped in the afternoon.  We sat at cafes for hours drinking beer, coffee, wine, and hot chocolate.

When I walked back into work on Saturday morning, I felt a ping of stress.  Usually I return from a vacation renewed and re-energized with new creativity.   Didn't happen this time.

Wannabe Dads in the Big O

This week Michael and I took the first serious step toward adopting children.  We've decided to blog about the experience, so we've created a new blog "Wannabe Dads in the Big O."  Check it out.

And, for comparison

I thought I'd jot really quick lists for the three other cities I've lived in since I finished grad school.  If I gave these more thought I might add to the lists.

Oklahoma City
Do Like: Restaurants, urban development, contemporary architecture, our neighborhood, state parks with a great variety of landscapes in close driving distance, Norman, fun gay clubs
Don't Like: Lack of film choices, awful grocery stores, liquor laws, and (most espeically) right wing politics.

Dallas
Do Like: Shopping, Arboretum, grocery stores, cinemas, trails, great roads and highways, lots of swimming pools, and there was always a new experience to be had
Don't Like:  Traffic, pretence, consumption, pollution, cost (and all those are pretty big negatives).  I might also add lack of natural beauty to the region.

Fayetteville
Do Like:  Nature, beauty, Farmers' Market, interfaith group, parks, fun (and eccentric) people, music scene, community spirit, and the blueberry pancake sandwich at Uncle Gaylord's
Don't Like: Not enough going on, the city and all its amenities are too far away 

Omaha: what I do and don't like

Today I was driving, visiting congregants and was annoyed at how ridiculously low the speed limit is in the "express lanes" of West Dodge.  I got to thinking of all the things that I don't like and then that I do like about Omaha.  Over two years ago we first came to town for an interview, so as a still relative newcomer but with a couple of years under my belt, here are my thoughts.

What I Don't Like

1)  Lack of LGBT Equality -- very excited by the passage of the Equal Employment Ordinance, but really want adoption and marriage rights.  As I watch more and more states embrace full equality, it is getting more and more difficult to live in the Jim Crow region of the country.  Particularly annoying when full equality exists five miles east of me.

2)  Inadequate roads -- For some reason Omaha never seems to have planned to be a growing city.  Despite the city stretching out 20 miles west from the river, there is only one major east-west road that runs the entire way through the city and even it is not an interstate-level road for most of its passage through the city.  In other cities I've lived in, even ones more geographically spread out, the city is criss-crossed by interstate-quality, multi-laned, limited-access expressways.  And below these are surface roads that also function as thoroughfares, often with well-timed lights.  I've always admired the timing of lights in Dallas that would allow you, even sometimes during rush hour, to drive five miles getting all green lights.  Omaha takes forever to get around it, despite not being very big.  For Oklahoma City people, Dodge makes Northwest Expressway seem fast and efficient.

3)  Shopping sucks -- I've blogged about this before.  The choice in shops here is very limited for a city of its size, with most of my favourite brands and stores not being located here.  I now have to shop every time I travel and do most of my purchasing on-line.  And one can't enjoy a nice day at the mall here, because all of them are really, really bad and stuck a few decades in the past.

4)  Restaurants are mediocre -- Omahans are very proud of their restaurants.  This has always puzzled me.  I've asked other relative newcomers their opinions, and it puzzles them as well.  Restaurant choices and quality are not bad or awful here, but it's not exciting.  I do have places I like to go, but nothing like my favourites in other cities I've lived in.  I can imagine moving away sometime in the future and not missing any of the places I eat at here, which is not true for any other city I've lived in, except my home town.

5)  High taxes with little return -- The sales and entertainment taxes are low here, but the property, income, and car taxes are higher than other places I've lived.  I would be fine with that if I could see where it went.  Infrastructure is inadequate, social services are poor, and government bureaucracies are inefficient.  

6)  Inefficient bureaucracies -- Which gets me to my sixth point.  I've registered an automobile and gotten a driver's license in four states.  I thought Texas' system was complicated and annoying, but Nebraska's is by far the worst of the four (Oklahoma is very easy, I think because much of it is handled by private tag agencies who must compete with cust0mer service).  The balloting procedures here are out-dated to the point I was shocked when I first voted.  My tax return last year took them four months (the website said upfront that it would take that long), whereas I got my Oklahoma return in less than a month.  And it goes on.

7)  Omahans are horrible at running red lights -- They don't run them like this in Dallas.

8)  Racial segregation -- is really bad here.  And, yes, it is a more serious problem than running red lights.

Now,

What I Do Like

1)  Walkability -- It is a more walkable city than any I have lived in, particularly the area in which we live .  Waking increases neighborliness and adds both a small town and urban feel at the same time (I think you'd have to experience it to know exactly what I mean).  For example, we sit out on our front porch and chat with the people who walk by.  

2)  Appreciation for the arts -- It is a city which really appreciates the arts.  People go to concerts, recitals, exhibits, etc. and talk about them.  And the quality is good.  There are also lots of great guest lecturers who come to town, though I often don't make these events because I'm worn out.

3)  Parks & Trails -- There are a number of nice parks and trails and people actually use them.  People really like to get outdoors here on a nice day and enjoy the city.  Only Fayetteville, Arkansas, of places I've lived, was similar.

4)  Young Professionals -- There are vibrant young professionals who are creative, entrepreneurial, civicly engaged, fun, hard-working, and committed to a bright future for the city.

5)  Friendliness of Strangers -- Even moreso than in other places I've lived, and I've lived in pretty friendly places, people will chat with each other in a way that conveys a sense of human worth and dignity.  I've really enjoyed some of the random conversations I've had.  There is also a general, easy-going good-will in most of the people I've known.

 6)  Filmstreams -- Which is a really nice art house theatre.  Of course I preferred having the large cinemas like Angelica in Dallas which showed crowded matinee performances of foreign films that even teenagers attended, but I really like Filmstreams and find it a great improvement over the dearth of choices in Oklahoma City.

7)  The Zoo -- The Zoo really is great.

8)  The Farmer's Market -- Is a great way to spend a Saturday morning.

9)  Generosity -- Omahans are incredibly generous people.

A little down tonight: Omaha is a difficult place to live as a gay person

That's how I'm finding it.  The cynical action of three city councilpersons today, including one Democrat, has me down.  

And this is coming from someone used to living in Red States, including the state that proudly claims to be the most conservative in the nation -- Oklahoma.

In other towns I've lived, there are employment protections -- Miami, Oklahoma, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Dallas, Texas, and (since I left) Oklahoma City -- that do not exist in Omaha.

Dallas has been claimed by some as the most gay-friendly city in America, despite conservative state politics.  The local politics is very encouraging and the institutions, structures, and cultural activities of the gay and allied communities abound.

In OKC we had our struggles and very little legal improvements, but we were able to elect LGBT and friendly candidates, have a routine public voice in news media, and received lots of good local coverage.  Maybe the most encouraging thing in OKC was the broad coalition we participated in, working alongside the NAACP, LULAC, CAIR, the Jewish Federation, and other organizations representing minorities and labor groups.  And we were very powerful in the state Democrat party -- no Democrat in OKC would have opposed an employment ordinance and expected to be re-elected.

Coming to Omaha, we thought it more progressive, and there were encouraging early signs, but the longer I am here the more depressive the environment seems for LGBT persons.  We are most daily oppressed by adoption and foster care laws even worse than Oklahoma, when having a family was the key goal of our move.

One reason I'm discouraged here is because of the successes elsewhere -- Prop 8 overturned, marriage equality in Washington, and now it passes the senate in New Jersey.  Why am I living in a place where today some made it very clear that I am not wanted when increasingly more cities and states are welcoming?

Needing others to tell our story

On Tuesday, the Third Day of Christmas, I read Julian Barnes' The Sense of an Ending.  It is another one of those stories that reminds us of the impact our actions can have on the lives of others. It is a reminder of how connected we all are.  It also reveals how others must help to tell us our own story, as we deceive ourselves and forget things and remember things differently than others do.

I had a sense of that on Thursday, the Fifth Day of Christmas, while attending Kay Mocabee's funeral.  I sat with my friend Amie Harrison and Kay Boman Harvey, who was my high school French teacher and coach of the quiz bowl team (read a 2004 blog post of mine on the influence of KayBo in my life).  KayBo and I were close in high school and have maintained a nice friendship in the years since, seeing each other every now and then.

As we were chatting and talking about how old my class was getting and plans for our reunion, etc., Kay said, "One thing I always remember about you is how on the evening of the first Gulf War we were all in Joplin for quiz bowl, and you got so excited and said, 'Now we have our war.'"

I cringed and said, "Well, I'm glad I had influences like you and Harvey, because that opinion sure changed over time."

KayBo: "We knew it would."

Yikes.  I had forgotten that aspect of my adolescent self.  Probably for the better, in some ways, that I forgot it.  However, I felt it was important to be reminded of this part of my story.  I was once a warmonger.  It is humbling to be reminded.  We are so certain of our opinions, and they can come back to haunt us in the future.

The Difference 60 Years Make

This afternoon I read Olive Blazek's Christmas letter.  It included this line: "At age 97, I am slowing down a bit."  Gosh, I started slowing down at 34.

Favourite 2011 Photos of Us

This one is short.

3.  The best moment of our Italy trip, sitting watching the sun set over Florence.

2.  The really fun picture that Edie Godfrey took as she dropped us off to depart for Italy.

And my favourite picture of us this year was taken outside Sorrento.