Many people have asked what they can do to help us. Right now the best thing you can do is simply to pray. Pray that we will fulfill all the requirements of the adoption agency. And then pray that the State of Nebraska will find us worthy parents-to-be. This decision does not require a court ruling or change of law. Let's put the power of prayer to work.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
[Note: I took a picture of the courthouse dome and didn't post any pictures of my friends, in order to respect their privacy.]
Completely unrelated to our pursuit of a family, I attended the final adoption hearing for one of our friends this afternoon. I met up with the family in the waiting room; everyone was dressed and looking nice. When we were called we walked back toward the chambers and another family was coming out with their newly adopted daughter. She was all dressed up, with bows in her hair. Everyone was smiling the biggest smiles I've ever seen and taking lots of pictures. And right then I realized how amazing that moment will be for us. I also know that Michael will be a blubbering mess!
The hearing was so quick, very unlike any other hearing I've gone to friends or congregants with (they are usually testifying against someone or are themselves charged with something). This was a fun hearing. The judge was smiling. The court room was comfortable and nice looking. There was even a "court dog" sitting with the judge.
After a few simple questions, the judge ordered it final. He said he was just following what had already happened -- the formation of this family. Then he came out from behind the bench and gave a certificate and a stuffed animal to the child. The boy said "Thank you" and high-fived the judge. Everyone lined up for pictures, including the judge.
Beautiful.
And such an inspiration and affirmation of what lies before us.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
A handful of things transpired today that I want to write about, but I probably won't get them all written tonight. So, stay tuned.
This morning we went to apply for our marriage license at the Pottawatamie County Court House in Council Bluffs, Iowa (just across the river). As I posted this morning, I felt a little strange approaching a governmental office in this official way. Good strange, because I knew it would okay and routine. But I've never done quite this before. I'm not used to government being good to me as a gay man nor good to my relationship.
But it was such a great experience. Not only was it quick and efficient, which is always a relief when dealing with bureaucracies, but the guy was pleasant and funny and professional.
We had to give him our information, show our IDs, and pay the fee. Then our witness who went with us, a good friend, affirmed that we are who we say we are. The license should be ready in a few days.
Later, after we dropped our friend off, discussing the experience with Michael, I cried a little. I guess it was emotional to experience the positive valuation of our marriage.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
Today we are going to get our Iowa marriage license, so that in November we can have our civil ceremony. Remember, the adoption agency said that they would only forward our packet to the state if we had a civil marriage license. Of course, we will always contend that our religious ceremony is the real one.
Here are the Iowa marriage requirements.
It does feel good strange to realize we will walk into a government building and present ourselves as a couple and that this will be a routine thing.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
In the last few weeks we've heard many different words of support from friends and family and acquaintances. I've even had folks I know who work in adoption in other states offer their assistance in anyway they can.
Today I was at church helping to assemble sandwiches for our community meal when one of the women brought up our decision to pursue adoption. She said that it was exciting when a relationship reaches the point that it makes that decision. Then she said, "As a single mom, if there is anything I can do to dissuade you, let me know." With a devilish grin.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
Today I was running a number of errands, and included a stop at Ace Hardware for various items we will need to make the house child safe and meet the requirements of the home study.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
This time we grabbed a quick snack on the way to class. I ate in the parking lot.
The theme of class this week "The Need to Be a Loss Expert." The teachers went over various types of gains and losses associated with the maturational process or situational. Then they walked us through some exercises identifying various needs associated with loss and how to respond to them.
Part of the focus of this particular parenting class series is identifying one's strengths. This was clearly one of my areas of strength. I guess being a minister, I am well acquainted with people at times of loss and grief.
They gave us homework for next Monday.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
The Individual Self-Study Form is a big packet with lots of questions. Here is what you have to answer.
There are the basics that you would assume -- your education, work, etc.
You have to detail your current work schedule, and if you have plans to seek another job.
"How would others describe your personality?" I really puzzled over that one.
Lots of questions about your family. Not only basic information but "Description of Personality." And you must write about your relationship with them. I decided that they might not appreciate my sense of humour if under Dad I had answered "Current Relationship (including how often you contact him)" with some suggestion that I routinely talk with the dead.
Then a section about your childhood. "Describe your childhood." "Who disciplined you and how." "Who showed you affection and how." "What would you like to have changed growing up?" I answered that one quite simply, "Dad dying."
Next, Significant Life Experiences.
Then discussion of our current household and its family dynamics. Including. "What attracted you to him/her?" I answered, "Not only was he very handsome, he had poise and bearing, an engaging personality which drew people, humour, curiosity, and passion for justice."
"How would you describe your relationship?" All these very open-ended questions.
Then a section Decision Making. "How are major decisions made in your home?" "How about minor decisions?"
Next, Family Life Style, including many questions about religion and church attendance and involvement. "What would you do if a child with a different religion was placed in your home?"
Then lots of questions about our house.
Our parenting style and methods of discipline. "When children come into your home, what expectations/goals do you have of them?" And many other questions about relating to children and the adoption process.
Then all the questions about what age and type of child one is interested in. Talking through that together was very strange. At the first class they indicated that no one ever fills this form out exactly the same after the parenting class as they did at the beginning. That intrigues me.
Finally, our household budget.
It took me days to fill out this form. How would you answer all these questions?
-- Scott
| | | |
|
Sitting and listening to everything during the first parenting class on Monday night, I realized more fully than I had before that almost every child coming up for adoption in the state system is a child with developmental deficits. They have been abused, neglected, abandoned, or otherwise taken from their families. Of course I knew this. And my father's own experience as an adopted child is a vivid reminder. But, I realized it on Monday in a way I never really had before.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
A FULL PARITICPANT by Michael
Early Friday morning, Scott and I were going to get fingerprinted for our background checks. KVC requires each person return a form confirming that we had been fingerprinted.
As we were preparing to leave the house, Scott wrote in my name on my fingerprinting form. I was infuriated. Scott was completely caught off guard. What he thought was a simple and kind gesture, I saw as somehow not allowing me to fully participate in this process. I told him, "This [starting a family] is something I've wanted for long time. I want to feel every setback and disappointment, because we'll have them, and every joy. I want to be able to say that I've done everything possible to create our family."
Was it an over reaction? Probably. But it was also very necessary. This is going to be an emotional process. We should be clear about our expectations with one another and for ourselves.
IT ISN'T FUN FOR EVERYONE by Michael
I was anxious about being fingerprinted. The last time I was fingerprinted I needed a background check to work with LGBT youth in Oklahoma City through OKC Youth United. It was an intimidating process. The office was located in the basement of the Oklahoma County Jail. I went through a security check, down a dedicated elevator, and through two large security doors. Everything moved so slowly. The elevator slowly descended. The security doors slowly opened and slowly closed. The guards stood motionless, waiting for the doors to slowly, completely open and slowly, completely close before slowly moving to the next door and slowly repeating the process. I then waited to be seen by a uniformed officer. It was a quiet process. The slowness and silence was unbearable, and I was only visiting.
The Nebraska State Patrol was different. There were no security checks, slow elevators, slow doors or slow guards. There wasn't even cards or ink. We walked right in. The two casually dressed attendants were friendly. We completed a half-sheet form and each were soon standing in front of an electronic scanner. "Fancy." They wiped our fingers clean, so they could press them against and then roll them across the scanner glass. I joked with the attendant throughout the process. It was painless, definitely not intimidating, quick and FREE. (Dad would love that part. ...Actually, that would be the only part he'd like.)
"This is fun," I said out loud.
And then it occurred to me how unique this moment was. I was freely giving away access to my identity. The majority of people being fingerprinted don't have a choice in the matter.
"I guess it isn't fun for everyone."
Afterwards, I was happy. These steps make it more and more real that we are making a family.
| | | |
|
Last night we began eight weeks of parenting classes. They will be every Monday night from 6-9, which meant Michael basically drove from work, picked me up, and we drove out west to the office where the classes are held. We stopped to grab some snacks, but didn't have time to eat. Dinner after 9 every Monday is going to be a new routine.
There are eleven students in our class, three sets of couples. Opened with introductions and passing around lots of paperwork, most of which we already had and had begun filling out. Glad to know it wasn't due last night, as we weren't done with all of it.
The bulk of the class was introductory -- the models the class would be using, some aspects of Nebraska law, a lot of emphasis on partnering between adoptive parents, bio parents, and the agency. The goal is "partnering for safety and permanence."
They identified the purpose of the class as identifying your strengths and applying them to children's needs. That way the agency can match a child's needs with parents' skills.
The course will be "a navigator" -- a way to get through an unknown course. When fostering or adopting, one should develop a plan. One facilitator said, "You need to have a destination before you can help children."
The second part of the class was about identifying and addressing children's developmental needs, as children coming through this process have usually suffered neglect, abuse, or other developmental deficits.
The facilitators went through an introduction of Eric Erikson's stages of development and an activity utilizing them. I was a little surprised by this, as I understood Erikson's work was now considered out-dated and limited. For instance, Erikson's research only involved boys, and Carol Gilligan, among others, had criticized his theory as not applying to girls. Oddly, the activity we engaged in was analyzing a situation involving a girl. Overall, I thought this part wasn't bad, as the emphasis on identifying and helping developmental needs was good (and I didn't raise my questions about Erikson's theory).
The very thick packets of material we were given to read cover many more issues of developmental needs. I think we ran out of time and didn't get to all the topics we could have in the second part of the class.
Overall, I found it an interesting class, and it left us with things to think about and talk about.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
The Omaha World-Herald reported this weekend on churches who are leading the charge to take away equality in employment won by the LGBT community last winter. Of course churches, like ours, led the charge to get equal protection before the law. I'm disgusted and find it reprehensible that people of faith would attempt to take away someone's legal rights.
A recent World-Herald poll demonstrated that a majority of Nebraskans now support some form of legal recognition of same-sex relationships, whether as marriage or civil unions. So, the climate is surely changing. And the attempts to advance legislation this year in Omaha, Lincoln, and Grand Island (though not all have succeeded) is also encouraging.
This is part of the climate we face. If people fight treating us equally and fairly in the workplace, then it is an uphill battle to get our family recognized.
-- Scott
On a positive, here is a picture from the Mayor's signing ceremony last March for Omaha's Equal Employment Ordinance. I got to keep one of the pens!
| | | |
|
So, with the house mostly ready, we waited for the woman from the adoption agency to arrive for our first meeting. She arrived with questions and forms.
Some of the questions we'd already been over in our telephone conversation, some were new. What was our goal? Why did we want to adopt? Etc. But mostly she went over forms.
There was the form to authorize background checks.
The form for getting ourselves fingerprinted.
The Individual Self Study Form -- more on that in a moment.
References
A checklist for what all we'll have to do to the house to qualify (and she wanted to see the bedroom spaces we had available).
And another form.
This one, she said, not every couple/person had to fill out. It was from the agency saying that they could not guarantee us anything by us going through the process. It also stated that they could not be a party to any legal action against the state that might result from our going through the process. An innocuous enough form, but already something unique to us as a same-sex couple.
In going over the stuff about the house is when I started to withdraw a little. I greatly dislike rules (I believe they do not exist; have not metaphysical status), especially stupid rules. Bureaucracies create rules instead of being guided by common sense, shared practices, the flexibility that must be used to judge each situation on its own merits. On some level, my dander was getting up.
All household cleaning products must be in a locked cabinet, recommended a keyed lock. Michael is encouragingly agreeing and saying nice things. I'm getting quiet and thinking, "This is stupid. When we were kids, we didn't get into such things because we were told not to." And I'm realizing that this process is not going to be easy for me.
"I assume there aren't any firearms in the house?"
"There is one. My great-great-grandfather's antique gun."
"Is it locked?"
"No, it is a decorative item. It is purposely on display."
"I don't think there will be any exceptions."
This despite not having any ammunition in the house. That gun hasn't been fired for almost 30 years, and even then it was a rare occasion.
After a little more of this is when the lady said, "Scott, you are looking pensive."
-- Scott
| | | |
|
Knowing that the adoption agency representative was coming over on Monday, last weekend we were anxiously getting the house ready, cleaning and picking up. On Saturday night we even went to dinner with a friend who had gone through this process and asked her for pointers.
Over the weekend, our anxieties kept coming out, directed at one another, of course. By Sunday it was pretty intense.
Michael was, fortunately, off on Monday for Indigenous People's Day, so he was able to get a number of chores completed. When I came in from work about 40 minutes before her arrival, I discovered that Michael had everything set up in the kitchen for brewing coffee or tea, serving iced tea or water, and he had an apple pie warming in the oven. To be fair, I had made sure to put out all the fall home decor over the weekend.
With a few minutes left, I swept the front porch, and we realized at the last minute that the bathroom mirror had not been cleaned.
With finally everything ready, I sat down in the living room to wait. Michael said, "I don't want her to think that we're both just sitting here waiting, I'll go stand in the kitchen and only come out after she rings the doorbell." I told him he was overthinking this a little.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
| | | |
|
To the last post, "Beginning the Process," I forgot to include something that the woman from the adoption agency kept saying when I first called her. She kept saying that "the stars are aligning."
I took that as a good omen.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
(with our nephew Jacob at Christmas in 2010)
A month or so ago we determined to finally begin the process of preparing for adoption. In Nebraska, in order to adopt through the state, you must first qualify as a foster care parent, which means taking the classes and going through the other procedures to qualify. (Learn more about Nebraska adoption here.)
This meant we needed to pick one of the agencies which handles this process for the state. We have a denominational connection with Child Savings Institute, and they are nearby. But none of their class times this autumn worked with our schedules.
Almost two years ago, Michael participated in a panel for KVC at their office in Lincoln. KVC had invited the PFLAG Speakers Bureau to do a training for foster and adoptive families (foster families must undergo continuing training to maintain their license) on issues facing LGBT children and teens. I went with Michael to that panel, and we enjoyed our interactions with that agency, and their hope that the situation would improve for gay people.
When we checked out their autumn schedule, it worked for us, so we decided to contact them. (See this list of requirements one must meet.)
I e-mailed their contact person and said I wanted to know more about the upcoming class, and we scheduled a phone call. It took us a couple of times to finallyconnect, and when we did, it was a very good call. Ends up that she is friends with some church members and was excited we wanted to begin this process. She was glad we already knew about the memo. This particular class has two other same-sex couples in it, she said. And her agency had decided that if same-sex couples met all the requirements, then they were going to forward the packets to the state to see what the response would be. She cautioned us that they could not guarantee anything; I said that we understood.
The next step was for her to visit our home, talk to both of us, and fill out some paperwork. We scheduled that meeting (it was not easy finding a time that worked for everyone's schedules, and I was worried she'd think we were too busy) for last Monday afternoon.
In that first phone call, she did ask if we were married. I said that we had married in 2009 in a religious ceremony, since our denomination does recognize those. She asked if we had a legal marriage from a state where it is legal. I said that we do not. She said that the agency would require that before completing our packet. So, I called Michael and told him we needed to get legal recognition of our marriage within the next 60 days. More on that later.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
There are currently only 18 states where a gay couple can adopt as a couple. Iowa, which is just a few miles due east of me, is one of those. We were tempted to settle in Iowa when we moved here, but felt it important to be located in Omaha (one alternative plan is to make the move if that is the only way to expand our family).
Shortly after we moved here, we went to a workshop on legal issues for gay families where adoption was discussed. There we learned that to adopt through the state in Nebraska one must first qualify as foster parents. We learned further that Nebraska bans openly gay people from fostering. This is not hte result of any law passed by the legislature, but results from an executive memo which has been in place for around twenty years.
This was dispiriting news when we learned it, as you can imagine.
The other options for us are private adoption and surrogacy. Each of those cost significantly more. We will continue to explore those options.
Increasingly same-sex couples in Nebraska have been going through the process to qualify as foster parents (and be able to adopt through the state), but so far the state has not overturned the memo. We have started this process.
So, that means part of the story this blog will tell is how we are challenging the current legal status quo in Nebraska, and working against the system in our effort to expand our family. Stay tuned.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
The other day I was having lunch with our friend Kali Baker and told her that the night before we had taken the first serious step on the process to adopting. She then had lots of questions about the process, the legal entanglements, etc. (we'll write more about those soon). As I answered, she said, "You should write about this experience."
I realized that would be a great idea, and a blog is a perfect way to do it. I've personally been blogging for 8 years (you can find that blog here), but I don't think Michael ever has (have you? Is there a secret one out there?).
Blogging this experience will be a great way to:
So, we hope you'll enjoy this or find it informative or something. If you've got questions, please post them. We'll answer those we can and, if we don't know the answers, see if someone else does.
-- Scott
| | | |
|
| | | |
|