Wannabe Dads in the Big O

His First Day with Us

We picked him up on a Friday morning.  We had planned to be out-of-town spending Christmas with our family, but we changed our plans to start our new family together.

It was a cold, December day, and he didn't have a winter coat, sweater, or much else that was warm.  We knew he'd need a few staples probably anyway, so we planned to go shopping.

We had met him a few days before, and he seemed excited to be living with us.  We were all a little nervous, excited, and happy at the same time.

After picking him up, he wanted to go eat at a Chinese buffet, so we did that.  Then we went by our house to show it to him, including his room, go over a few things, and then drop off his stuff.  He had never been placed alone in a home, so he was looking forward to decorating his own room.

Then we went shopping.  This was a lot of fun.  

Then, that evening, we went to see the film Les Miserables, which had just opened.  We all cried during the movie.

Michael and I felt that it was a good first day.

Tracking down stuff

I wrote recently about the lack of information we received when our foster son was placed with us the first time last December.  One of the other initial difficulties was tracking down all of his stuff.  He had moved from a foster placement to a couple of short-term facilities, so he had belonging spread out over three different places.  It took us days to track it all down and get it delivered to us or pick it up.  And since this was the dead of winter, we had to go out and buy some things (he had no winter coat or sweaters the day we picked him up) that later came to us.

This wasn't so much a failure of the system as just a problem with this particular transfer.  But it did add to the headaches of the first few days and weeks.

-- Scott

Second Home Study Visit

This afternoon we had our second home study visit (out of three) with the private adoption agency.  During this two hour conversation, while Michael and I drank tea (Constant Comment for me and Earl Grey for Michael) and munched on pretzels, we talked about our families, our childhoods, how our parents disciplined us, our education, our religious beliefs, and some other random bits here and there.  Like my 5th place national trophy from the NFL (National Forensics League), and Michael's experiences as the Resident Assistant for the first co-ed floor at OSU, which also happened to be the Native American floor.  

Among the stories shared were Michael's coming out, the night my Dad died, my college break-up with my fiancee, Gerry's reassignment which led to meeting Ninfa, and lots of stuff about our siblings.

We also turned in some of the finished forms and paid our first installment, including the application fee, the social worker's mileage reimbursement, and half the home study fee.

-- Scott

More Form Work

I grabbed some Burger King and took it to Michael's office so that we could finish filling out a few more forms before our second home study visit today.  A couple of the forms needed a witness, so Michael's co-worker Deidra signed for us.

The Call

I cried a little watching this and hoping for the same for us one day. -- Scott

 

Lack of Information

All of my blog posts the last couple of weeks have been about what we are currently doing in the process.  I'm glad I'm more focused on the positive present than the complications of the past.  But, I still want to tell that story.  When I left off, I was complaining about fostering not meeting our expectations of hoping to adopt.

My next problem with the private agencies that run Nebraska's foster system is the lack of information before a placement.  When they first call you they give you a little information, and you can ask any questions you want.  Sometimes the agent calling you has the information and sometimes they don't.  If they can, they do track it down.

But, you really don't get enough information.  Maybe over time, if I fostered a lot, I'd learn what all specific questions to ask, but for a first-timer we were so excited to get the chance that we didn't ask as much as we should have.

Nine months later, discussing this with one professional who worked on our case, she said that there is a vested interest in not giving you all the information and not being clear about the problems a child might be facing, because there is such pressure to get children placed in a home.  The social workers are desperate because of the regulations governing placement and the complete lack of shelters and group homes (almost all of which have closed because of negative changes in the system).  She said that the social workers themselves are not intentionally trying to deceive or manipulate, but it is the nature of the system.

One of the things we were told was that the bad behavior previously exhibited was "situational" and would change with us taking an affirming approach.  This ended up being completely false.

This lack of information is further complicated once the child is placed with you.  Despite the tons of paperwork that waste your time, energy, and sanity (more on that later), there is not good information that comes with the child.  One might expect this for a child first entering the system, but for one who has been in the system for over two years, there ought to be good documentation and easily passes from one placement to the next.

It took us weeks and months to track down information on physicians, optometrists, dentists, etc.  Some of it we never got and just made new arrangements.  Nor was there adequate information about schooling.  Sitting in parent-teacher meetings later, we were learn things from the teachers reading his file which would have been good for us to know.  Nor was there adequate information on his background.  We primarily had to rely upon what he told us.  

When he passed on from us, I typed up a list of all his medical and other professionals, their contact information, all scheduled appointments, etc.  We passed along detailed information on his medication.  And, I made sure that his school schedule and other relevant information also was forwarded.  But there was no form or folder or digital file that was standard for doing this.  Again, despite the half-dozen or more forms that had to be submitted every month.  Completely, ridiculous.

-- Scott

Legal Work

Today we met with our attorney to get some of our legal documents and estate planning in shape before the adoption.  We also have to take a few extra steps as a same-sex couple living in a state that does not recognize our marriage.  So some of the documents help to ensure that Michael and I can make medical, financial, and after-death decisions for one another.

Actual legal work on the adoption itself will come later. 

Tomorrow is the second visit for our home study.  We have paperwork to finish up tonight.

-- Scott

Tasks

Today we worked on a number of tasks involved in our adoption process, including contacting an attorney, contacting a photographer to take our photo to be shown to birth parents choosing prospective adoptive parents, getting information on our health insurance plans, etc.

Last night, after our discussions, I was anxious as I tried to sleep, and when I awoke in the night.  There's a lot to do and also the process will cost a lot of money.  We need to get a lot squared away in the next few weeks to complete the application and home study processes.

-- Scott

Adoption Application

Tonight Michael and I went to dinner and started working our way through the adoption application and other forms.  There is also a long checklist of things we need to provide -- marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc.  

There are agreements with the agency, privacy notices, notice of fees, etc.   The form that states how open we want to be with the birth parents after the child is placed with us.  A form on whether we are willing to take a child with AIDS.  There is reference check and background check information (a lot of that).  A form for our physician to fill out saying we are healthy enough to parent.

The application itself (as opposed to all these other forms) is much less thorough than the foster care one was.  It asks only key background information on education, parents, employment, etc.  I'm guessing the longer conversations in the homestudy cover most of the topics that we had to write about in the foster application.

One thing we get to make is a photo book that birth parents will get to examine to learn about us.  We are going to have fun putting that together!

-- Scott

Adoption Homestudy Begins

Yesterday they began our adoption homestudy.  There will be six hours of interviews.  Yesterday she toured our home, asked about our foster experience, how we met, where we've worked, and started in on my life story.  She has lots more questions to ask the next two sessions.

We also must begin preparing a long list of documents and forms, many similar to what we did for the foster care process, but some different.

The big difference between fostering-to-adopt through the state and private adoption, is that at the end of the session she handed us the invoice for the application fee and homestudy and it comes to $2,099.85.

-- Scott

Testimony before the Nebraska Judiciary Committee

Today the Judicary Committee of the Nebraska Senate held a hearing on the harms to same-sex couples in a post-Windsor world when their marriages are federally recognized but not recognized by the state.  The hearing opened with a long series of people, mostly lawyers, testifying to the problems in a wide range of legal areas -- taxes, immigration, estate, family, divorce, employment, human resources, workers comp, and also employee recruitment.  One woman testified about the complexities the two legal regimes create for small businesses.

Here are two news stories on the hearing, one from the AP and the other from the Lincoln Journal-Star.

I testified during the public, open part of the hearing.  Both articles above quote me.  Here are my full prepared remarks (I did add to them a little while actually talking).

What a strange task—speaking before a public audience arguing for recognition of my marriage.  It is not an assignment most of you listening will ever have to contemplate.  Just imagine if you had to argue for why your love and your family mattered.

For we all understand why people fall in love and want to make a lasting commitment to each other.  We understand why a couple invites their relatives and friends to their wedding, in order to recognize and bless that public commitment.  We understand why two people want to form a family, letting their love overflow to their children.  We understand that raising children well takes an entire community working together--that parents need the help and support of a society that values and strengthens families. 

We also understand why society encourages people to make these commitments to one another.  Loving marriages and healthy families strengthen the community. 

My husband Michael and I wed in a religious ceremony in Oklahoma in 2009 (our denomination sanctifies marriages between people of the same gender).  In attendance were two hundred of our family, friends, and fellow church members.  They came to bless and support us in the loving commitment we were making to one another.  At that time, we did not receive the legal benefits by which a society supports and strengthens marital commitment. 

After moving to Omaha, we were preparing for children and were optimistic about the impending court rulings, so we had a legal ceremony in Iowa.  Currently fourteen states recognize our commitment and value our family.  With the Supreme Court rulings we will receive some federal benefits.  But the State of Nebraska continues to deny our family the support, encouragement, and help that comes with legal recognition of our marriage vows.

Our family is more valued and better protected by the law when we cross the river to shop at Menard’s than it is when we are in our own home.  This bizarre situation is unsustainable.  I’m very confused about what to do come tax time, when we will file a joint federal return and will puzzle over our state returns.

Legal recognition of same-sex couples strengthens the loving commitments we make at our weddings.  It supports us in raising our children.  It values our families.  Encouraging loving marriages and healthy families improves society. 

Why did you get married?  Why was it important to have that legal recognition of your loving commitment?  How has it helped your family?  Your answers are the same as mine.

-- Scott