Wannabe Dads in the Big O

Parenting Classes Again

So, last week Michael and I began taking foster parenting classes again, this time with CSI.  We've basically been without an agency for a year since we resigned from our last one.  Our license was set to expire in December, so CSI requested that we take the classes again, especially to learn their way of doing things.

Despite the time commitment (30 hours over ten weeks), we were happy to do it.  Our last class was hurried and shortened, and we never thought we got enough out of it.  Especially once we had a placement. 

Already last week we felt better about this agency and this class.  The instructors are very experienced and were very good.  They were also more straightforward about the challenges than what I remember hearing before.  I especially liked this statement from one of them,

Every child in foster care is uncomfortable every day.  I'm going to make you uncomfortable every week.

Last week's class was an overview and introduction, so not a lot that was new for us in the actual material.

We enjoyed meeting the other parents, including another couple who came originally from Oklahoma.  

Today I spent a few hours filling out paperwork.  Again.  Counting the adoption agency, this is now the third time in two years that we've filled out oodles of documents--background checks, personal profiles, statements of agreement with policies, etc.  I'm resigned to it.

But my contrary nature emerges.  For instance, my answer to the question "What was the biggest disappointmen or loss you have had in your life and how did you cope with it?"  I wrote

("Cope" is a stupid word, by the way.)  In three lines [the amount of space provided] I can't answer what it means, has meant, and might in the future mean that my father died in 1990.

-- Scott

Completing Adoption Application Packet

Tonight we completed the adoption application packet!  

We got all these forms and this checklist months ago and have been slowly working on it for a while.  The main hang up the last two months was waiting to get our fingerprint checks back from the FBI; those arrived over the weekend.

So, we went back over everything to make sure we had filled out all the forms, copied all the documents they wanted copies of, etc.  And then we put it all in the envelope to send on to the agency.  This will allow them to complete all their paperwork and the homestudy that they did in the autumn.

Now, we largely enter another waiting game.  While we wait, we will continue working on our photo book and need to meet again with the bank to discuss financing options and with our attorney to wrap up some legal matters.

On another fun note, I bought a stuffed elephant for the future baby, and it arrived on St. Valentine's Day.

-- Scott

More Form Work

I grabbed some Burger King and took it to Michael's office so that we could finish filling out a few more forms before our second home study visit today.  A couple of the forms needed a witness, so Michael's co-worker Deidra signed for us.

Adoption Application

Tonight Michael and I went to dinner and started working our way through the adoption application and other forms.  There is also a long checklist of things we need to provide -- marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc.  

There are agreements with the agency, privacy notices, notice of fees, etc.   The form that states how open we want to be with the birth parents after the child is placed with us.  A form on whether we are willing to take a child with AIDS.  There is reference check and background check information (a lot of that).  A form for our physician to fill out saying we are healthy enough to parent.

The application itself (as opposed to all these other forms) is much less thorough than the foster care one was.  It asks only key background information on education, parents, employment, etc.  I'm guessing the longer conversations in the homestudy cover most of the topics that we had to write about in the foster application.

One thing we get to make is a photo book that birth parents will get to examine to learn about us.  We are going to have fun putting that together!

-- Scott

Parenting Classes, Home Study, and More

So, this time last year, we were in the midst of parenting classes with KVC.  We blogged about the first couple of classes, but then quit as part of putting this entire storytelling on hold.  There is no way to recover our initial impressions from the various class sessions, so I won't even try.

Before Thanksgiving, they wrapped up.  Earlier than originally scheduled.  KVC was moving offices and didn't want to move our classes, so they went through the material even more speedily than they usually do.

I thought the classes were better than I expected them to be.  It was most interesting hearing from the other participants in the classes, particularly those who had been in foster care themselves.

But later it felt like we had missed lots of crucial information.  I think we ultimately needed less in the way of general parenting tips and more about crisis management and more on how to navigate the foster care and social work system here in the state of Nebraska.

By the final class, we were actually surprised that we were through.  They gave us our certificates of completion.  I was fond of jokingly saying, "We completed our parenting classes and got our certificates.  We now know everything about being parents."

While we were wrapping up the classes, we were also preparing the house for our home study.  I blogged a little bit about shopping for those preparations last year.  We had to lock lots of things away.  Many cleaning supplies and the liquor went into the basement.  Other cleaning supplies and all medicines went into the linen closet (and linens went into the bathroom cabinet).  What a pain in the ass it was to actually have to carry a key around to get these things.  The linen closet had probably never been locked, so we had to do some work on the over 100 year old locks, changing some out from different doors (as the closet lock wouldn't work right), oiling, etc.  We also had to go to the locksmith to find keys to fit them.  Just getting the locks to work was a pain.

Michael put plastic plugs in all the outlets (though we ended up with a kid old enough to not need them, but we had to have them to begin with).  Michael also designed our tornado and fire evacuation plans/map and posted it in the child's bedroom.  I put a lock on the attic as well.  And we had to update our fire alarms.  And more.  It was a lot of extra work.

We had filled out our individual self-study forms and turned them in.  We also had to provide references, get finger printed, and have background checks run on us.  We had to provide detailed financial information and a copy of our Iowa marriage license.

All of this was put together by a KVC staffer who then came to visit us at home.  She looked the house over and made sure that we had completed all the things we were supposed to complete.  She also reviewed our individual self-studies and asked us lots of follow-up questions.  Much of her focus was on why we wanted kids and asking questions about our own family pasts.  Again, I wish I had written much of this down at the time, even if I couldn't post it, but I didn't.  She stayed for a least an hour and a half.

At the end of the session, she said she was still waiting to get some stuff from our Oklahoma background checks, but once those things came in, the packet would be complete and KVC would send it off to DHHS with a recommendation that we be licensed as foster parents.  We asked how long we'd have to wait.  She said that it would probably be a couple of months.

So, with all the classes and the preparations done, we settled in to wait.

-- Scott

Individual Self-Study Form: Scott's Perspective

The Individual Self-Study Form is a big packet with lots of questions.  Here is what you have to answer.

There are the basics that you would assume -- your education, work, etc.

You have to detail your current work schedule, and if you have plans to seek another job.

"How would others describe your personality?"  I really puzzled over that one.

Lots of questions about your family.  Not only basic information but "Description of Personality."  And you must write about your relationship with them.  I decided that they might not appreciate my sense of humour if under Dad I had answered "Current Relationship (including how often you contact him)" with some suggestion that I routinely talk with the dead.

Then a section about your childhood.  "Describe your childhood."  "Who disciplined you and how."  "Who showed you affection and how."  "What would you like to have changed growing up?"  I answered that one quite simply, "Dad dying."

Next, Significant Life Experiences.  

Then discussion of our current household and its family dynamics.  Including.  "What attracted you to him/her?"  I answered, "Not only was he very handsome, he had poise and bearing, an engaging personality which drew people, humour, curiosity, and passion for justice."

"How would you describe your relationship?"  All these very open-ended questions.

Then a section Decision Making.  "How are major decisions made in your home?"  "How about minor decisions?"

Next, Family Life Style, including many questions about religion and church attendance and involvement.  "What would you do if a child with a different religion was placed in your home?"

Then lots of questions about our house.

Our parenting style and methods of discipline.  "When children come into your home, what expectations/goals do you have of them?"  And many other questions about relating to children and the adoption process.

Then all the questions about what age and type of child one is interested in.  Talking through that together was very strange.  At the first class they indicated that no one ever fills this form out exactly the same after the parenting class as they did at the beginning.  That intrigues me.

Finally, our household budget.

It took me days to fill out this form.  How would you answer all these questions?

-- Scott

"Scott, you are looking pensive"

So, with the house mostly ready, we waited for the woman from the adoption agency to arrive for our first meeting.  She arrived with questions and forms.

Some of the questions we'd already been over in our telephone conversation, some were new.  What was our goal?  Why did we want to adopt?  Etc.  But mostly she went over forms.

There was the form to authorize background checks.
The form for getting ourselves fingerprinted.
The Individual Self Study Form -- more on that in a moment.
References
A checklist for what all we'll have to do to the house to qualify (and she wanted to see the bedroom spaces we had available).
And another form.

This one, she said, not every couple/person had to fill out.  It was from the agency saying that they could not guarantee us anything by us going through the process.   It also stated that they could not be a party to any legal action against the state that might result from our going through the process.  An innocuous enough form, but already something unique to us as a same-sex couple.  

In going over the stuff about the house is when I started to withdraw a little.  I greatly dislike rules (I believe they do not exist; have not metaphysical status), especially stupid rules.  Bureaucracies create rules instead of being guided by common sense, shared practices, the flexibility that must be used to judge each situation on its own merits.  On some level, my dander was getting up.

All household cleaning products must be in a locked cabinet, recommended a keyed lock.  Michael is encouragingly agreeing and saying nice things.  I'm getting quiet and thinking, "This is stupid.  When we were kids, we didn't get into such things because we were told not to."  And I'm realizing that this process is not going to be easy for me.

"I assume there aren't any firearms in the house?"
"There is one.  My great-great-grandfather's antique gun."
"Is it locked?"
"No, it is a decorative item.  It is purposely on display."
"I don't think there will be any exceptions."

This despite not having any ammunition in the house.  That gun hasn't been fired for almost 30 years, and even then it was a rare occasion.  

After a little more of this is when the lady said, "Scott, you are looking pensive."

-- Scott