Wannabe Dads in the Big O

Photo Book Finished

Back in the middle of May, we finished a copy of the Photo Book and had it shipped off to the agency.  This was because there was a young woman interested in finding a same-sex couple to adopt her child.  However, it didn't arrive in time.

We then got some feedback from our agency about the book and made some changes before ordering our own review copy, which arrived in June while I was away for a few weeks.  Michael did show it to me when we Skyped one night.  After I was home and able to physically review it, we made a few more changes, primarily typos that had previously gone unnoticed.

Tonight I ordered the five final copies and had them shipped to the agency.  So, that completes all the preparations for the adoption agency, a process that has taken us many months.  I think we began in October or November.

Now, we basically wait for someone to pick us.  So, please keeps your ears open if you know of someone looking for adoptive parents.

--Scott

Adoption Update

So for the last month or so the main project has been finishing our Photo Book which is supposed to introduce us to birth moms who are chosing adoptive parents.  We've been collecting photos, writing texts, and laying it out.  

This is not the easiest task.  In 20 pages of photos and minimal texts you have to introduce yourself, your home, your family and give some sense of who you are and what type of parents you will be.  We had agreed upon how to structure it, but as I was putting it together it didn't feel quite like us, so back to the drawing board.  I think we figured it out now, and I like how it is coming together.

But it still isn't quite together.  We were waiting until this week on some photos from family members and Michael still needs to finish the portion on his family and childhood.  Plus we haven't yet decided upon a cover photo.

Last week, however, we received this e-mail: "I'm just checking in to see where you are with regard to your profile book?  There is a birth parent who is interested in a same-gender couple and we
would love to be able to share your profile with her. Please keep me posted as to when you think you will have that ready!"

Which kicked me into overdrive.  Finishing as much as I could of the photo book was my number one priority last weekend and I got most everything done I needed to, except the photos I was waiting on.  I received those yesterday and got them scanned and uploaded.

And yesterday we received this e-mail from the agency: 

Scott and Michael,

I have another agency that we share profile books with that is in need of same sex couple profile books.  I wasn't sure if you had your profile book done yet or not but if you can get one done and overnight it to me at our Iowa location, there is an opportunity to have it shown if you are interested. 

 

Followed up with:

 

 I hate to make you rush but it's a great opportunity to have it shown as she is only looking at same sex couples!

 

This particular Mom is due in October.  This opportunity may not be ours, but this is the closest I've yet been in my life to the possibility, so I'm very excited.

 

--Scott

Good to Go!

We received this e-mail today from our adoption agency:

We will start showing your profile as soon as we get them!

Your study is being finalized, now that I have your fingerprints and the rest of your paperwork. Everything looks good so far. The background checks are clear and I have no concerns based on our meetings! I am recommending you to be approved as adoptive parents. As I finalize everything, I will let you know if there are any small details that were overlooked. Otherwise, I would say we
are good to go!

Completing Adoption Application Packet

Tonight we completed the adoption application packet!  

We got all these forms and this checklist months ago and have been slowly working on it for a while.  The main hang up the last two months was waiting to get our fingerprint checks back from the FBI; those arrived over the weekend.

So, we went back over everything to make sure we had filled out all the forms, copied all the documents they wanted copies of, etc.  And then we put it all in the envelope to send on to the agency.  This will allow them to complete all their paperwork and the homestudy that they did in the autumn.

Now, we largely enter another waiting game.  While we wait, we will continue working on our photo book and need to meet again with the bank to discuss financing options and with our attorney to wrap up some legal matters.

On another fun note, I bought a stuffed elephant for the future baby, and it arrived on St. Valentine's Day.

-- Scott

Fingerprinting and Baby Names

Last week we finally went and got finger printed.  Should have done it months ago.  This is required for the background check performed by the adoption agency.  Currently the FBI isn't accepting fingerprints from Nebraska (or something like that), so we went to Council Bluffs to get it done.  When I called the county jail about an appointment, they said that their only opening that day was 9 p.m.  So, we drove over on a cold, dark night.  It was kinda creepy.

It will be 4-6 weeks before the information is back from the FBI.

After the fingerprinting, we went to Flixx for a cocktail.  Michael wanted to discuss baby names.  So far the leading boy's name is Sebastian and the leading girl's name is Olivia.  I know we mentioned dozens of names, but I can't seem to recall of them right now.  I do remember Corazon, Truth, Briston, Ross, Randall, Oliver, Miles, Katherine, Marian, Douglas.

What are your suggestions?

-- Scott

Home Study: Part Three

Today, in between football games and baking cookies, we had the third 2-hour conversation with the social worker, which completed the in-person part of our homestudy.  We are still behind in filling out the forms we need to.  

Today's converation focused on how we would parent, including how to disicpline, how to show affection, etc.  We talked about our personalities--our strenghts, weaknesses, and values--including commenting on each other.  We had to discuss our career plans and dreams.  We also discussed our health and finances.  Finally, she asked if we had any questions about different things.  We had a few, but not many.

So, once we get all the forms submitted, they can complete the home study.

-- Scott

Medical Check

Last Monday Michael and had an appointment with our physician.  At 7:30 a.m.  Wanted to get it out of the way before work.

He had to fill out health forms on both of us, for the adoption agency.  He had to do something similar last year for the foster agency.

At the conclusion he announced, "You are both healthy and fit to be parents."

My friend Rob commented something like, "Absolutely anyone can go out and have a kid you have to jump through all these hoops."

I'm not complaining about these steps in the process, but it is funny.

We are, otherwise, behind on our form-filling-out and other aspects of our home study.  Maybe tomorrow during our calendaring meeting, we will schedule when to accomplish some more of these tasks.

-- Scott

Second Home Study Visit

This afternoon we had our second home study visit (out of three) with the private adoption agency.  During this two hour conversation, while Michael and I drank tea (Constant Comment for me and Earl Grey for Michael) and munched on pretzels, we talked about our families, our childhoods, how our parents disciplined us, our education, our religious beliefs, and some other random bits here and there.  Like my 5th place national trophy from the NFL (National Forensics League), and Michael's experiences as the Resident Assistant for the first co-ed floor at OSU, which also happened to be the Native American floor.  

Among the stories shared were Michael's coming out, the night my Dad died, my college break-up with my fiancee, Gerry's reassignment which led to meeting Ninfa, and lots of stuff about our siblings.

We also turned in some of the finished forms and paid our first installment, including the application fee, the social worker's mileage reimbursement, and half the home study fee.

-- Scott

Tasks

Today we worked on a number of tasks involved in our adoption process, including contacting an attorney, contacting a photographer to take our photo to be shown to birth parents choosing prospective adoptive parents, getting information on our health insurance plans, etc.

Last night, after our discussions, I was anxious as I tried to sleep, and when I awoke in the night.  There's a lot to do and also the process will cost a lot of money.  We need to get a lot squared away in the next few weeks to complete the application and home study processes.

-- Scott

Adoption Homestudy Begins

Yesterday they began our adoption homestudy.  There will be six hours of interviews.  Yesterday she toured our home, asked about our foster experience, how we met, where we've worked, and started in on my life story.  She has lots more questions to ask the next two sessions.

We also must begin preparing a long list of documents and forms, many similar to what we did for the foster care process, but some different.

The big difference between fostering-to-adopt through the state and private adoption, is that at the end of the session she handed us the invoice for the application fee and homestudy and it comes to $2,099.85.

-- Scott

Adoption Homestudy

We heard from the adoption agency again, about scheduling the home study.  The big packet is "in the mail" heading to us, and we will have to schedule times to meet.  Here's what they said, "Per Nebraska requirements, we need to meet a minimum of three times for a minimum of six hours total. We can plan to meet three times for about two hours each, if that works for you."

-- Scott

Adoption Application Received

I posted the other day that we sent in the application to begin the private adoption process.  We heard back on Thursday that it was received.  Here was the e-mail, which arrived while we were having dinner,

I received your pre-application in the mail and am working on getting your application packet out to you!  S. . .  who I cc'd above will be doing your adoptive homestudy for you!  She will be getting ahold of your shortly to set up a time for you to meet to begin your study when you are ready!  We are looking forward to working with you!!

We received this shortly after we had met with our state Senator, Sara Howard, to discuss our foster care experiences with her, detailing how broken the foster system is.  So, it was great to receive this positive news so shortly after such a difficult topic of conversation.

-- Scott

Why we want to adopt

While narrating the our foster care story of the last year, the effort to become parents does not stop.  Today we send off our application to a private adoption agency pursuing that route.  One part of that application is a statement on why we want to adopt.  Here's what we wrote:

This past Advent our church had a theme for worship: “What’s Your Wish?”  Everyone was asked to write their wish on a little card -- the one thing you most wanted in life.  We wrote “Children.”

We can imagine the looks on our mother’s faces, gigantic smiles as they meet our kids and enthusiastically fuss over them.  We look forward to tucking our kids in at night and reading them bedtime stories.  We can’t wait to watch them grow and learn and explore.  And we dream of a future when we are grandparents, sitting around a table for the holidays, surrounded by our children and grandchildren.  We can't imagine our lives without them.  And we can't imagine not adopting.  Scott’s father was adopted and Michael's best friend is adopted, so adoption is part of our life.

Last year, we began pursuing that wish and were open to every possibility.  We took classes and completed background checks to become licensed foster parents.  Fostering one young man, we learned a lot about ourselves as parents and about the joys and struggles of parenting.  We enjoyed the fun of sledding in winter, riding roller coasters, taking him on his first big trip, walking him to the bus stop for the first day at a new school, and dropping him off for a big dance.  We were anxious when he was bullied at school, struggled academically, and had to be rushed to the emergency room.  Our experience as foster parents powerfully affirmed our wish to be adoptive parents.

Currently, our life is rich and full with marriage, careers, friends, hobbies, and volunteer activities.  We work passionately to make the world a better place and to help people in need.  But one thing is missing: children.  We've been so blessed and want to share those blessings.  Raising children -- having a family -- is the most important thing we can do.

 

Parenting Classes, Home Study, and More

So, this time last year, we were in the midst of parenting classes with KVC.  We blogged about the first couple of classes, but then quit as part of putting this entire storytelling on hold.  There is no way to recover our initial impressions from the various class sessions, so I won't even try.

Before Thanksgiving, they wrapped up.  Earlier than originally scheduled.  KVC was moving offices and didn't want to move our classes, so they went through the material even more speedily than they usually do.

I thought the classes were better than I expected them to be.  It was most interesting hearing from the other participants in the classes, particularly those who had been in foster care themselves.

But later it felt like we had missed lots of crucial information.  I think we ultimately needed less in the way of general parenting tips and more about crisis management and more on how to navigate the foster care and social work system here in the state of Nebraska.

By the final class, we were actually surprised that we were through.  They gave us our certificates of completion.  I was fond of jokingly saying, "We completed our parenting classes and got our certificates.  We now know everything about being parents."

While we were wrapping up the classes, we were also preparing the house for our home study.  I blogged a little bit about shopping for those preparations last year.  We had to lock lots of things away.  Many cleaning supplies and the liquor went into the basement.  Other cleaning supplies and all medicines went into the linen closet (and linens went into the bathroom cabinet).  What a pain in the ass it was to actually have to carry a key around to get these things.  The linen closet had probably never been locked, so we had to do some work on the over 100 year old locks, changing some out from different doors (as the closet lock wouldn't work right), oiling, etc.  We also had to go to the locksmith to find keys to fit them.  Just getting the locks to work was a pain.

Michael put plastic plugs in all the outlets (though we ended up with a kid old enough to not need them, but we had to have them to begin with).  Michael also designed our tornado and fire evacuation plans/map and posted it in the child's bedroom.  I put a lock on the attic as well.  And we had to update our fire alarms.  And more.  It was a lot of extra work.

We had filled out our individual self-study forms and turned them in.  We also had to provide references, get finger printed, and have background checks run on us.  We had to provide detailed financial information and a copy of our Iowa marriage license.

All of this was put together by a KVC staffer who then came to visit us at home.  She looked the house over and made sure that we had completed all the things we were supposed to complete.  She also reviewed our individual self-studies and asked us lots of follow-up questions.  Much of her focus was on why we wanted kids and asking questions about our own family pasts.  Again, I wish I had written much of this down at the time, even if I couldn't post it, but I didn't.  She stayed for a least an hour and a half.

At the end of the session, she said she was still waiting to get some stuff from our Oklahoma background checks, but once those things came in, the packet would be complete and KVC would send it off to DHHS with a recommendation that we be licensed as foster parents.  We asked how long we'd have to wait.  She said that it would probably be a couple of months.

So, with all the classes and the preparations done, we settled in to wait.

-- Scott

Individual Self-Study Form: Scott's Perspective

The Individual Self-Study Form is a big packet with lots of questions.  Here is what you have to answer.

There are the basics that you would assume -- your education, work, etc.

You have to detail your current work schedule, and if you have plans to seek another job.

"How would others describe your personality?"  I really puzzled over that one.

Lots of questions about your family.  Not only basic information but "Description of Personality."  And you must write about your relationship with them.  I decided that they might not appreciate my sense of humour if under Dad I had answered "Current Relationship (including how often you contact him)" with some suggestion that I routinely talk with the dead.

Then a section about your childhood.  "Describe your childhood."  "Who disciplined you and how."  "Who showed you affection and how."  "What would you like to have changed growing up?"  I answered that one quite simply, "Dad dying."

Next, Significant Life Experiences.  

Then discussion of our current household and its family dynamics.  Including.  "What attracted you to him/her?"  I answered, "Not only was he very handsome, he had poise and bearing, an engaging personality which drew people, humour, curiosity, and passion for justice."

"How would you describe your relationship?"  All these very open-ended questions.

Then a section Decision Making.  "How are major decisions made in your home?"  "How about minor decisions?"

Next, Family Life Style, including many questions about religion and church attendance and involvement.  "What would you do if a child with a different religion was placed in your home?"

Then lots of questions about our house.

Our parenting style and methods of discipline.  "When children come into your home, what expectations/goals do you have of them?"  And many other questions about relating to children and the adoption process.

Then all the questions about what age and type of child one is interested in.  Talking through that together was very strange.  At the first class they indicated that no one ever fills this form out exactly the same after the parenting class as they did at the beginning.  That intrigues me.

Finally, our household budget.

It took me days to fill out this form.  How would you answer all these questions?

-- Scott

"Scott, you are looking pensive"

So, with the house mostly ready, we waited for the woman from the adoption agency to arrive for our first meeting.  She arrived with questions and forms.

Some of the questions we'd already been over in our telephone conversation, some were new.  What was our goal?  Why did we want to adopt?  Etc.  But mostly she went over forms.

There was the form to authorize background checks.
The form for getting ourselves fingerprinted.
The Individual Self Study Form -- more on that in a moment.
References
A checklist for what all we'll have to do to the house to qualify (and she wanted to see the bedroom spaces we had available).
And another form.

This one, she said, not every couple/person had to fill out.  It was from the agency saying that they could not guarantee us anything by us going through the process.   It also stated that they could not be a party to any legal action against the state that might result from our going through the process.  An innocuous enough form, but already something unique to us as a same-sex couple.  

In going over the stuff about the house is when I started to withdraw a little.  I greatly dislike rules (I believe they do not exist; have not metaphysical status), especially stupid rules.  Bureaucracies create rules instead of being guided by common sense, shared practices, the flexibility that must be used to judge each situation on its own merits.  On some level, my dander was getting up.

All household cleaning products must be in a locked cabinet, recommended a keyed lock.  Michael is encouragingly agreeing and saying nice things.  I'm getting quiet and thinking, "This is stupid.  When we were kids, we didn't get into such things because we were told not to."  And I'm realizing that this process is not going to be easy for me.

"I assume there aren't any firearms in the house?"
"There is one.  My great-great-grandfather's antique gun."
"Is it locked?"
"No, it is a decorative item.  It is purposely on display."
"I don't think there will be any exceptions."

This despite not having any ammunition in the house.  That gun hasn't been fired for almost 30 years, and even then it was a rare occasion.  

After a little more of this is when the lady said, "Scott, you are looking pensive."

-- Scott 

"Stars aligning"

To the last post, "Beginning the Process," I forgot to include something that the woman from the adoption agency kept saying when I first called her.  She kept saying that "the stars are aligning."  

I took that as a good omen.

-- Scott

Beginning the Process

(with our nephew Jacob at Christmas in 2010)

A month or so ago we determined to finally begin the process of preparing for adoption.  In Nebraska, in order to adopt through the state, you must first qualify as a foster care parent, which means taking the classes and going through the other procedures to qualify.  (Learn more about Nebraska adoption here.)

This meant we needed to pick one of the agencies which handles this process for the state.  We have a denominational connection with Child Savings Institute, and they are nearby.  But none of their class times this autumn worked with our schedules.

Almost two years ago, Michael participated in a panel for KVC at their office in Lincoln.  KVC had invited the PFLAG Speakers Bureau to do a training for foster and adoptive families (foster families must undergo continuing training to maintain their license) on issues facing LGBT children and teens.  I went with Michael to that panel, and we enjoyed our interactions with that agency, and their hope that the situation would improve for gay people.

When we checked out their autumn schedule, it worked for us, so we decided to contact them.  (See this list of requirements one must meet.)

I e-mailed their contact person and said I wanted to know more about the upcoming class, and we scheduled a phone call.  It took us a couple of times to finallyconnect, and when we did, it was a very good call.  Ends up that she is friends with some church members and was excited we wanted to begin this process.  She was glad we already knew about the memo.  This particular class has two other same-sex couples in it, she said.  And her agency had decided that if same-sex couples met all the requirements, then they were going to forward the packets to the state to see what the response would be.  She cautioned us that they could not guarantee anything; I said that we understood.

The next step was for her to visit our home, talk to both of us, and fill out some paperwork.  We scheduled that meeting (it was not easy finding a time that worked for everyone's schedules, and I was worried she'd think we were too busy) for last Monday afternoon.

In that first phone call, she did ask if we were married.  I said that we had married in 2009 in a religious ceremony, since our denomination does recognize those.  She asked if we had a legal marriage from a state where it is legal.  I said that we do not.  She said that the agency would require that before completing our packet.  So, I called Michael and told him we needed to get legal recognition of our marriage within the next 60 days.  More on that later.

-- Scott